Tuesday, February 12, 2019

The Love Month

      It’s the "Love Month." You know, the month when Cupid takes aim, couples swoon, Hallmark gives itself a high five and romance fills the air. For a day. And a night. Then what?
      Don’t get me wrong. Romance on Valentine’s Day is great! But romance for life… that’s beyond wonderful. How do you make it happen? Between juggling the kids, the boss, the bills, the chores… who has time for romance? And, what’s the big deal anyway?
     Trust me, it’s a big deal.
     I wrote a little book a few years ago called “30 Days To Better Love.” It was written for men, but the advice also applies to women and couples everywhere. The point is that we need to take care of our romantic relationships.
     Remember when you first met the love of your life? You couldn’t wait to see them, hold their hand, put your arms around them. You’d race through the day just to race through the door to grab them in a hug and plant a big, fat, juicy kiss right on their lips. When’s the last time you did that? Have your hellos and goodbyes gone from hot and bothered to cool and distracted?
     Perhaps this year’s Valentine’s Day can be more than a Hallmark holiday. Perhaps it can be a catalyst to pump real and lasting romance into our relationships. Here are 3 quick tips from my book to get you started:
     
Number 1: Kiss ‘Em Like You Mean It. Do you remember your very first kiss? Heart racing, knees jelly, hands sweaty. It was scary and shaky and sexy. It was wonderful. But as time goes on, those melt in your mouth kisses can morph into a peck on the lips or even the cheek. Stop that. FULL ON KISS YOUR PARTNER. Do it often. When you wake up, when you go to bed, when you leave the room, when you enter the room, when you’re on the couch, or in the kitchen, or doing yard work. Kiss them like you did when you were first dating. Kiss them slowly. Kiss them deliberately. Kiss them often. Kiss them passionately. 
Kiss them now.
     
Number 2: Hold Their Hand. Holding hands is one of the earliest forms of intimacy. But, somewhere along the way, the art of hand-holding becomes lost. Our hands become filled with briefcases, diaper bags, grocery bags, babies, or books. But when you slowly lace your fingers with your loved one’s, you communicate so much without saying a word. You tell them how much you love being with them, how proud you are of them, how much you like being “that close” to them. Reach out and touch. It’s more than a song.
     Number 3: Say “I Love You.” What? They know I love ‘em," you think to yourself. So? You ever watch a quarterback who’s blocked from throwing a pass, scrambles, and runs into the end zone for the touchdown? He knows everybody loves him. But watch him. He runs the sidelines, looking for the hugs, smiles and fanny slaps that are football language for “I love ya, man.” He looks for his girl so she can blow him a kiss and say “I love you.” Yes, they know you love them. They still want to hear you say it. Often. Unexpectedly. For no reason at all. I. Love. You. Three little words that will give them a reason to read your lips. They’ll probably kiss them, too.
     So, there you go. I dare you to try these three simple steps, consistently, for at least a week, better yet, for the entire “love month.” I bet you’ll notice the temperature’s rising in your relationship. And when it comes to love, “heat” is not a bad thing.
     For 27 more tips, on spicing up your romantic life, check out Drexel’s book “30 Days to Better Love” at www.drexelgilbert.com Also available at Amazon.com.

Tuesday, January 1, 2019

2019: Year of No?


Shonda Rhimes, the producer of mega-hits Grey’s Anatomy and Scandal, wrote a best seller a few years ago, entitled Year of Yes. It’s a great book about the benefits of recognizing and accepting opportunities and of saying “yes” to people and moments that cross our paths.  That’s a wonderful philosophy that can lead to personal growth.
But I’ve decided that for me, 2019 is the “Year of NO.”
I do not mean this in a negative way but in the most positive way possible.  In 2018, I said “yes” so often, it stretched me so tightly I thought I would snap and break into a million pieces… even when I looked like I had it all together. Last New Year’s Day, I decided to live 2018 the fullest. I vowed to do, read, experience, and/or eat something new every day of the year.
I did.
It wore me out.
I found that in “saying yes,” to every career, academic, social, family, and even spiritual opportunity and invitation that came my way, I was doing a lot. But I was not getting a lot done. And I wasn’t doing any of it very well.
So, this year, I’ve decided to say “no” more often.
It will be hard. I am an adventuress. A doer. A “carpe diem” gal. I live for the experience and the moments. I love to go, see, and do! I love a challenge. My favorite saying is “Who says you can’t?” Saying “no” will be hard. And, I’m not saying there won’t be plenty of wonderful people and opportunities and invitations that I will say “yes” to in 2019. But this year, I will be more discerning about those “yes” answers.
I've learned I’m not alone in this weariness of saying yes. A recent report on CBS News talked about “JOMO.” That’s the “Joy Of Missing Out.” Apparently, a lot of us long to de-tech, destress and even detach. It seems many of us want to simplify our lives, instead of cramming so much stuff into every single minute. We want to stop filling up our moments, and simply enjoy them. We want to put down the laptop, ipad, and cellphone and actually talk to each other, explore our feelings... and breathe. We want to live and love the people we know and the things that we do. We want to focus on a few meaningful activities, instead of scattering ourselves on many wearying things.
JOMO. Rhymes with NO.NO.
So, how do we get back to strolling, instead of racing, through life? Perhaps in 2019, we should ask these questions when presented with an opportunity or invitation.
Will this feed or drain my spirit?
Will this feed or drain my relationships?
Will this feed or drain my health?
Will this feed or drain my career?
Will this feed or drain my mind?
Will this move me forward or distract me from doing what’s really important?
Most importantly, will this make me better… for God, for others, and for myself?
If we can’t answer “yes” to each of those questions, we might consider saying “no.” That’s what I’ll be doing in 2019.
Happy "No" Year!


Friday, June 8, 2018

Puppy Dog Kisses & Rainbow Bridges-Saying Goodbye to Buddy

I've been off the grid for awhile. That's what happens sometimes when you have a loss. I've had one. And, it's kinda' rocked my world. If you have a pet, you know that life is made so much better because of that fur baby! My sweet little dog Buddy made my life better in so many ways. From the moment he put his tiny paws on my chest and looked straight into my eyes as an 8-week old puppy, to the last moment I saw him when he put his still-tiny paws on my chest and looked up at me as an 11-year-old "senior," we were almost two hearts beating as one. 


Buddy was my shadow. He followed me everywhere. He sat on a blanket in my office. He sat in a "doggy bag" when I sneaked him into university classes. He sat in front of the living room window watching for my return when I ran errands. He pretended to be a stuffed animal in the buggy when I sneaked him into Target. He took naps with me on the couch. He sat on my lap during road trips. 

He knew the teller at the bank drive-through has treats. He knew Starbucks serves "puppucinos." He slept on my pillow. Okay. It was his pillow that he let me share. He licked the tears off my face when I was sad. He licked my nose when he was happy! He snuggled up to his "sisters" (my daughters) because he loved them unconditionally! He snuggled up to people who were hurting because he loved with abandon. He was what my daughters and I called a "comfort dog." He was our "buddy."

And, then...sweet little Buddy was no more. Just like that. In the blink of an eye, a terrible accident took his life while I was out of town. He was in the care of people who also loved him. Accidents happen. You can't wish them away.  You can't pray them away. You can't cry them away. You can't scream them away. You try. You really try. But you can't. 

And, so, here I am. 3 weeks later. Still waiting for his paws to skitter across the hardwood floor as he races toward me to say "Hey, Mom! Where've you been?" Still waiting for him to dash up the doggy stairs by the bed and onto "my" pillow. Still waiting for him to wake me up at 5 a.m. for breakfast and a walk. Still waiting for him to dig a toy from his basket and drop it at my feet. Still waiting for him to crawl up on my lap, put his
paws on my chest, and turn those big brown eyes up to stare at me in absolute pure puppy love. Still waiting.

Loss is hard. Whether it's loss of a pet's life or loss of a human life. The loss is real. It leaves a hole that cannot be filled. But, with God's grace, and perhaps with time, it can become less painful. We can stop asking the "what if?" questions. We can put away or pass along the beds, toys, sweaters, and other items that belonged to them. We can learn to remember and cherish what was wonderful about them. We can look forward to seeing them again. Yes, I believe "all dogs (and other pets) go to Heaven." And, we can smile because of the time we had with them.

 

Below is the last video I have of sweet little Buddy. I'd taken him to work with me the day before I left to go out of town. We were headed home after a long day. He was excited to "go for a ride in the car!" I hope he's this happy where he is now. Rest in Peace, sweet little Buddy! I love you and I'll see you again! 

Sunday, May 20, 2018

Graduating to the Future-Let's Help Them Learn to "Walk"

It's graduation season. The "walk" that began with a toddler's first steps all those years ago is about to become a full-on gallop into the future. I remember when I walked across my high school graduation stage. I had a mixture of relief, exuberance, and sheer fear! 

I remember when my daughters walked across that stage. I had a mixture of relief, exuberance, and sheer fear! I bet you can relate.

Graduation is more than a rite of passage. It is more than a celebration of accomplishments in the past. It is a gateway to what is ahead. Some graduating students are headed to the next level of higher education. Some are headed to the workforce. Some are headed to the armed forces. Some don't know where they are headed. All of them are looking into that scary thing called the "future." Will it be fun? Will it be hard? Will it hurt? Yes, yes, and yes.

As parents, grandparents, friends, and co-workers of these graduates, we have a responsibility. We are charged with helping them find their way, helping them define their goals and dreams, and with guiding them in the best ways of achieving those goals and dreams. How do we do that?

Here are three suggestions.

Listen to them. The graduate in your life is happy. Happy to be OUT OF SCHOOL. Happy to be FREE. (Yeah, I know. They'll get that reality check later.) Happy to be INDEPENDENT. (That one, too.) But, they are also scared. They are moving into new territory- whether that territory is middle school, high school, college or grad school. They have fears about what awaits them. When they talk to you about those fears, resist the urge to tell them "It will be okay," or  to say, "This is how I handled it,"  or worse, "This is how you should handle it." Sometimes, your graduate doesn't need to hear your advice or platitudes. Sometimes, they just need to talk. Let them. You might be surprised at what they work out on their own, just because you had the restraint to LISTEN and let them talk through things out loud.

Be available. When my daughters went off to college, I felt like a piece of my body had been torn off. I seriously felt physical pain. Can any of you relate? When I saw their cell numbers pop up on my phone, I felt instant healing. And, I don't care if I was talking to my boss, my mama, or my preacher, I instantly took their call. Sometimes they were calling with a problem they needed help with. Sometimes they were calling for money. Sometimes they were just calling to say "hey." Sometimes, I wonder if they were testing me just to see if I would answer. I always did. When your graduate is navigating new and scary territory they need a safe place they can go... and they need it when they need it, not when it's convenient for you. Be that safe place for them.

Be an encourager but not a fixer. It's hard for parents to let go. I get that. My daughters are in their 20's and I still want to rush in and fix everything for them. That's not doing them any favors. If you want your adult children to survive and thrive in this world, you need to let them handle some things on their own. And, you need to encourage them in their efforts to do that. How? By reinforcing their good ideas for solutions to problems, and by GENTLY guiding (not prodding or forcing) them away from questionable solutions/people/situations. A good way to do this is to ask them questions like: "What might happen if you did this?" and "What might happen if you don't do that?" Trust that you raised good kids. And, don't be afraid to let them fall. They will learn how to get up again and they will be stronger for it. Hug them when they are hurting. Let them cry. Then, tell them how proud you are of them, whether they succeed---or fail. Then, tell them again. And, again. And, again. 

These are just 3 of my suggestions for helping graduates move to the next stage of life. I bet you have some great advice, too! I'd love for you to post that advice here on the blog,  or on my Facebook https://www.facebook.com/drexelgilbertauthorspeakermotivatoror Twitter https://twitter.com/drexelgilbert pages. Hashtag it #graduationadvice2018 and let's see where it takes us and where it takes them! 






    



Sunday, May 13, 2018

"That" Mom


I am "that" mom. You know. The one who saved every daily progress report from her daughters' pre-school. The one who saved every coloring sheet from kindergarten. The one who saved every pair of ballet slippers, even the ones that smelled like a dirty gym bag. The one who actually saved the tiny paper holes her 5-year-old sat on the floor punching for HOURS! Yep. I saved it all.

Except for the afternoon I didn't.

I'd had a day. In the newsroom where I worked as an anchor, I'd faced one obstacle after another. On the drive home, I'd hit every red light and traffic jam, and gotten behind every bobo driver on the road. My day had been filled with clutter.

While unpacking the girls' things I pulled out a fistful of coloring papers. I just couldn't face the idea of any more clutter. So, I (gasp) looked over my shoulder, saw the coast was clear, opened the kitchen waste can, moved the things on top around, stuffed the papers inside, and covered them up. It was just one day's worth of coloring papers, right? I felt so guilty, I almost pulled them back out. Almost.

A while later, she came bounding into the kitchen. At some point, she opened the waste can and... you guessed it! She spied the papers, dug them out, turned her sweet little face and big blue eyes up to me and said, "Mommy! Why did you throw my art away? Don't you like it?"

Moments like that make you realize just how important the job of mothering is. Children, regardless of their age, look to us not just for love, but for guidance, encouragement, and even validation. We have to be mindful of our words and actions, even when we are tired or upset. Our words and actions have the power to wound or to heal. Healing words can change a life for the better. Wounds from words may take a lifetime to heal if they ever do.

Yes, mothering is a big job. We face sleepless nights ruled by a colicky 3-month-old. We face fearful nights the first time our teenager drives away in the family car by herself. We face heartbreaking nights when our child cries herself to sleep because of hurt feelings, lost love, or the cruelties of life.

But, we also face deliriously happy times. The first smile, tooth, or step. The way they look for you when they score on the soccer field, dance stage, or spelling bee. The nights they poke their head in your bedroom to say "I'm home, Mom. Night, I love you." 
   
Mothering is a big job. The stakes are high. You're handed this tiny, wrinkled little bundle of newness and you panic, thinking, "Okay.. what now?" Then you pray that you won't mess it up. You pray that somehow, God will give you the wisdom- and the wits - to raise this living, breathing creation of amazing wonderfulness into a bright, happy, productive human being. You pray. Then you pray again.

I'll never forget the mornings my daughters were born. When they were handed to me, they looked straight into my eyes. From that moment on, we were forever connected- not by an umbilical cord, but by a connection stronger than any piece of steel. We were connected- through thick and thin, good times and bad, joy and sorrow. My daughters are the only two people who have ever heard my heartbeat from the inside. I love them just as much today as I did the mornings they were born. More- if that's even possible. 

And, God must have heard my prayers. Because I did mess up. I said words I shouldn't have. I didn't say words I should have. I gave bad advice. I lost my cool. I tossed coloring papers in the trash. But, God, and my daughters, were bigger than my mistakes. My girls, Avery and Lauren, have grown into beautiful, bright, happy, successful young women. 

Am I still "that" mom? You bet. I keep every text, email, and card I receive from them. I press flowers they send me in wax paper, frame their artwork from years gone by, and fill up my office and home with books and bibles from their childhood. Clutter? Absolutely not. They are cherished memories of a lifetime of love and laughter. They are a reminder that we continue to make new memories... as mother and daughters, and as friends. And, on this Mother's Day, I give thanks to God that He placed these incredible human beings in my life. I am better for having known- and grown- them.

Happy Mother's Day? You bet it is.



  

Saturday, May 5, 2018

It's Time to Date Your Mate!

     May is National Date Your Mate Month. Who knew we needed an entire month to remind us of the importance of dating our mate? I mean, really."We've been married forever. We're together all the time, right? She knows I love her. He knows I appreciate him. We have jobs, kids, laundry, civic obligations. The days are long, but the time is short. Who has even a minute to plan and actually go out on a date? Seriously?"

     Seriously.

     One of the major reasons couples grow apart, become lonely, and even end up parting is because they lose the sense of passion, spontaneity, and intimacy of the early days and years. Holding hands, full-on kissing, dancing, and even talking fall by the wayside. They're replaced by colic, bills, household maintenance, and long hours on the job. This isn't about assigning fault. It's not intentional. It's just life getting in the way. But we don't have to let it! Who wouldn't want the opportunity to add a spark to the days... and nights? Scratch that. Don't aim for a spark. Aim for a 3 alarm fire! 

     Date Your Mate Month provides you with the perfect opportunity. I'm going to help you with suggestions for fun ways to infuse your relationship with romance, passion, and fun! Starting today, I'll be posting daily "Date Your Mate" tips on my website www.drexelgilbert.com. Use some of them. Use all of them. Mix them up or take them in order. The point is to use this month to become intentional about expressing to your mate just how much you love them. Don't just say it, though. DO something about it. It doesn't have to be expensive or involved. Sometimes the simplest gestures that come straight from the heart are the ones that make the most impact and stir up the passion.

     Let’s get started.

     For guys: Remember how your dates used to start… and end? I’m guessing it was with a kiss. Not just a peck on the lips or Heaven forbid- the cheek. No, I’m thinking you laid a lip-lock on that woman that made her toes tingle! It’s time to get the electricity flowing again. Today, every time you see your mate, kiss her. Full-on kiss her! Follow that kiss by whispering “I love you,” into her ear. Ask her out on a date, then begin making plans. Yep. I’m advising YOU to plan the date. Sure, it will take some time. But time is one of the most precious gifts we can give the person we love. Low on ideas? That’s okay. I’ll be posting “date night” suggestions in the coming days. You just keep checking the website. In the meantime, pucker up and kiss her like you mean it!

     For gals: Today, is your warm-up. All day long, I want you to demonstrate to your mate just how much you appreciate him. Don’t point out anything negative about your mate or your relationship. Instead, be intentional about telling him positive things you like about him. Explain why you appreciate it when he brings you flowers, rubs your neck, diapers the baby, or puts the toilet seat down! Scientific research shows that being appreciated in a relationship lifts us up, releases endorphins, and causes us to feel loving toward our partner. A little appreciation might lead to some acceleration… in the romance department. Keep the momentum going by making a date with him. I’ll be posting suggestions for fun date nights starting tomorrow. I think you’ll appreciate them!
  
     P.S. Don’t want to wait for the dating and romance tips? You can order “30 Days To Better Love: A Guide for Men here  http://www.drexelgilbert.com/relationship-books/  
Many of the tips work as a guide for women, too! Cheers to love!

Drexel Gilbert is a career TV journalist, relationship coach, and speaker. Her practical advice for couples brings healing and breathes life into relationships. 30 Days to Better Love: A Guide for Men is used by couples’ counselors and by men and women just like you.   

Tuesday, April 24, 2018

Going Somewhere?

     I read this quote from Brian Tracy on Twitter yesterday: "It doesn't matter where you are coming from. All that matters is where you are going." I'm a big fan of Mr. Tracy. But, he's got it wrong this time.
     I gather his point is that we shouldn't live in the past. We are on the same page with that one. But neither should we ignore it.
     About 10 years ago, I launched out of a comfortable full-time career in television news and into the exciting but scary position of redefining who I was and what I was going to do my life. I wondered: "Where do I go from here?"
     I began receiving speaking invitations. I accepted and found I had an affinity for sharing my story and inspiring others to take chances and pursue dreams. A door to a new beginning opened in front of me. I stepped through it and liked what I saw on the other side. But, it was only because of "where I had come from" that I have been able to continue to "get to where I was going."
     I've found that the people who come to hear me speak want to know about the challenges life has presented and how I tried, succeeded, or sometimes failed, to meet those challenges. They want to hear that no matter how dark a place we may sometimes come from, a light will eventually shine. They want to know how to get over, under or around the life's hurdles. And they want to know what to expect on the other side.
     You see, if none of us had difficult times in our past, we really wouldn't have much of a story to tell. If none of us had to struggle, we would never become stronger. If none of us had overcome, we would never be able to inspire others to do so. If none of us had loved... and lost... and found love again, we would not be able to offer hope of that to someone else who is hurting. If none of us had ever questioned our faith... but persevered and finally found it again... we couldn't help others find their way out of the darkness.
     If you are having trouble seeing where you are going, I encourage you, at least momentarily, to look behind you. Where are you coming from? 
     What worked for you in that past? What didn't? What mistakes are you repeating? How can you stop from repeating them again? Who have you allowed into your life that shouldn't be there? Who have you kept out of your life that should be there? Have you let your fears keep you from going after your dreams? Have you gone after those dreams only to see them disintegrate because you didn't properly prepare? Did you come from an unhappy, abusive, impoverished, faithless, or loveless past? 
     It's okay. It's the past. But if you want to get to a better future, address that past. Discard what (or who) you need to, then get busy getting to where you're going.
     And, when you get there, turn around... and see just how far you've come.