Sunday, May 20, 2018

Graduating to the Future-Let's Help Them Learn to "Walk"

It's graduation season. The "walk" that began with a toddler's first steps all those years ago is about to become a full-on gallop into the future. I remember when I walked across my high school graduation stage. I had a mixture of relief, exuberance, and sheer fear! 

I remember when my daughters walked across that stage. I had a mixture of relief, exuberance, and sheer fear! I bet you can relate.

Graduation is more than a rite of passage. It is more than a celebration of accomplishments in the past. It is a gateway to what is ahead. Some graduating students are headed to the next level of higher education. Some are headed to the workforce. Some are headed to the armed forces. Some don't know where they are headed. All of them are looking into that scary thing called the "future." Will it be fun? Will it be hard? Will it hurt? Yes, yes, and yes.

As parents, grandparents, friends, and co-workers of these graduates, we have a responsibility. We are charged with helping them find their way, helping them define their goals and dreams, and with guiding them in the best ways of achieving those goals and dreams. How do we do that?

Here are three suggestions.

Listen to them. The graduate in your life is happy. Happy to be OUT OF SCHOOL. Happy to be FREE. (Yeah, I know. They'll get that reality check later.) Happy to be INDEPENDENT. (That one, too.) But, they are also scared. They are moving into new territory- whether that territory is middle school, high school, college or grad school. They have fears about what awaits them. When they talk to you about those fears, resist the urge to tell them "It will be okay," or  to say, "This is how I handled it,"  or worse, "This is how you should handle it." Sometimes, your graduate doesn't need to hear your advice or platitudes. Sometimes, they just need to talk. Let them. You might be surprised at what they work out on their own, just because you had the restraint to LISTEN and let them talk through things out loud.

Be available. When my daughters went off to college, I felt like a piece of my body had been torn off. I seriously felt physical pain. Can any of you relate? When I saw their cell numbers pop up on my phone, I felt instant healing. And, I don't care if I was talking to my boss, my mama, or my preacher, I instantly took their call. Sometimes they were calling with a problem they needed help with. Sometimes they were calling for money. Sometimes they were just calling to say "hey." Sometimes, I wonder if they were testing me just to see if I would answer. I always did. When your graduate is navigating new and scary territory they need a safe place they can go... and they need it when they need it, not when it's convenient for you. Be that safe place for them.

Be an encourager but not a fixer. It's hard for parents to let go. I get that. My daughters are in their 20's and I still want to rush in and fix everything for them. That's not doing them any favors. If you want your adult children to survive and thrive in this world, you need to let them handle some things on their own. And, you need to encourage them in their efforts to do that. How? By reinforcing their good ideas for solutions to problems, and by GENTLY guiding (not prodding or forcing) them away from questionable solutions/people/situations. A good way to do this is to ask them questions like: "What might happen if you did this?" and "What might happen if you don't do that?" Trust that you raised good kids. And, don't be afraid to let them fall. They will learn how to get up again and they will be stronger for it. Hug them when they are hurting. Let them cry. Then, tell them how proud you are of them, whether they succeed---or fail. Then, tell them again. And, again. And, again. 

These are just 3 of my suggestions for helping graduates move to the next stage of life. I bet you have some great advice, too! I'd love for you to post that advice here on the blog,  or on my Facebook https://www.facebook.com/drexelgilbertauthorspeakermotivatoror Twitter https://twitter.com/drexelgilbert pages. Hashtag it #graduationadvice2018 and let's see where it takes us and where it takes them! 






    



Sunday, May 13, 2018

"That" Mom


I am "that" mom. You know. The one who saved every daily progress report from her daughters' pre-school. The one who saved every coloring sheet from kindergarten. The one who saved every pair of ballet slippers, even the ones that smelled like a dirty gym bag. The one who actually saved the tiny paper holes her 5-year-old sat on the floor punching for HOURS! Yep. I saved it all.

Except for the afternoon I didn't.

I'd had a day. In the newsroom where I worked as an anchor, I'd faced one obstacle after another. On the drive home, I'd hit every red light and traffic jam, and gotten behind every bobo driver on the road. My day had been filled with clutter.

While unpacking the girls' things I pulled out a fistful of coloring papers. I just couldn't face the idea of any more clutter. So, I (gasp) looked over my shoulder, saw the coast was clear, opened the kitchen waste can, moved the things on top around, stuffed the papers inside, and covered them up. It was just one day's worth of coloring papers, right? I felt so guilty, I almost pulled them back out. Almost.

A while later, she came bounding into the kitchen. At some point, she opened the waste can and... you guessed it! She spied the papers, dug them out, turned her sweet little face and big blue eyes up to me and said, "Mommy! Why did you throw my art away? Don't you like it?"

Moments like that make you realize just how important the job of mothering is. Children, regardless of their age, look to us not just for love, but for guidance, encouragement, and even validation. We have to be mindful of our words and actions, even when we are tired or upset. Our words and actions have the power to wound or to heal. Healing words can change a life for the better. Wounds from words may take a lifetime to heal if they ever do.

Yes, mothering is a big job. We face sleepless nights ruled by a colicky 3-month-old. We face fearful nights the first time our teenager drives away in the family car by herself. We face heartbreaking nights when our child cries herself to sleep because of hurt feelings, lost love, or the cruelties of life.

But, we also face deliriously happy times. The first smile, tooth, or step. The way they look for you when they score on the soccer field, dance stage, or spelling bee. The nights they poke their head in your bedroom to say "I'm home, Mom. Night, I love you." 
   
Mothering is a big job. The stakes are high. You're handed this tiny, wrinkled little bundle of newness and you panic, thinking, "Okay.. what now?" Then you pray that you won't mess it up. You pray that somehow, God will give you the wisdom- and the wits - to raise this living, breathing creation of amazing wonderfulness into a bright, happy, productive human being. You pray. Then you pray again.

I'll never forget the mornings my daughters were born. When they were handed to me, they looked straight into my eyes. From that moment on, we were forever connected- not by an umbilical cord, but by a connection stronger than any piece of steel. We were connected- through thick and thin, good times and bad, joy and sorrow. My daughters are the only two people who have ever heard my heartbeat from the inside. I love them just as much today as I did the mornings they were born. More- if that's even possible. 

And, God must have heard my prayers. Because I did mess up. I said words I shouldn't have. I didn't say words I should have. I gave bad advice. I lost my cool. I tossed coloring papers in the trash. But, God, and my daughters, were bigger than my mistakes. My girls, Avery and Lauren, have grown into beautiful, bright, happy, successful young women. 

Am I still "that" mom? You bet. I keep every text, email, and card I receive from them. I press flowers they send me in wax paper, frame their artwork from years gone by, and fill up my office and home with books and bibles from their childhood. Clutter? Absolutely not. They are cherished memories of a lifetime of love and laughter. They are a reminder that we continue to make new memories... as mother and daughters, and as friends. And, on this Mother's Day, I give thanks to God that He placed these incredible human beings in my life. I am better for having known- and grown- them.

Happy Mother's Day? You bet it is.



  

Saturday, May 5, 2018

It's Time to Date Your Mate!

     May is National Date Your Mate Month. Who knew we needed an entire month to remind us of the importance of dating our mate? I mean, really."We've been married forever. We're together all the time, right? She knows I love her. He knows I appreciate him. We have jobs, kids, laundry, civic obligations. The days are long, but the time is short. Who has even a minute to plan and actually go out on a date? Seriously?"

     Seriously.

     One of the major reasons couples grow apart, become lonely, and even end up parting is because they lose the sense of passion, spontaneity, and intimacy of the early days and years. Holding hands, full-on kissing, dancing, and even talking fall by the wayside. They're replaced by colic, bills, household maintenance, and long hours on the job. This isn't about assigning fault. It's not intentional. It's just life getting in the way. But we don't have to let it! Who wouldn't want the opportunity to add a spark to the days... and nights? Scratch that. Don't aim for a spark. Aim for a 3 alarm fire! 

     Date Your Mate Month provides you with the perfect opportunity. I'm going to help you with suggestions for fun ways to infuse your relationship with romance, passion, and fun! Starting today, I'll be posting daily "Date Your Mate" tips on my website www.drexelgilbert.com. Use some of them. Use all of them. Mix them up or take them in order. The point is to use this month to become intentional about expressing to your mate just how much you love them. Don't just say it, though. DO something about it. It doesn't have to be expensive or involved. Sometimes the simplest gestures that come straight from the heart are the ones that make the most impact and stir up the passion.

     Let’s get started.

     For guys: Remember how your dates used to start… and end? I’m guessing it was with a kiss. Not just a peck on the lips or Heaven forbid- the cheek. No, I’m thinking you laid a lip-lock on that woman that made her toes tingle! It’s time to get the electricity flowing again. Today, every time you see your mate, kiss her. Full-on kiss her! Follow that kiss by whispering “I love you,” into her ear. Ask her out on a date, then begin making plans. Yep. I’m advising YOU to plan the date. Sure, it will take some time. But time is one of the most precious gifts we can give the person we love. Low on ideas? That’s okay. I’ll be posting “date night” suggestions in the coming days. You just keep checking the website. In the meantime, pucker up and kiss her like you mean it!

     For gals: Today, is your warm-up. All day long, I want you to demonstrate to your mate just how much you appreciate him. Don’t point out anything negative about your mate or your relationship. Instead, be intentional about telling him positive things you like about him. Explain why you appreciate it when he brings you flowers, rubs your neck, diapers the baby, or puts the toilet seat down! Scientific research shows that being appreciated in a relationship lifts us up, releases endorphins, and causes us to feel loving toward our partner. A little appreciation might lead to some acceleration… in the romance department. Keep the momentum going by making a date with him. I’ll be posting suggestions for fun date nights starting tomorrow. I think you’ll appreciate them!
  
     P.S. Don’t want to wait for the dating and romance tips? You can order “30 Days To Better Love: A Guide for Men here  http://www.drexelgilbert.com/relationship-books/  
Many of the tips work as a guide for women, too! Cheers to love!

Drexel Gilbert is a career TV journalist, relationship coach, and speaker. Her practical advice for couples brings healing and breathes life into relationships. 30 Days to Better Love: A Guide for Men is used by couples’ counselors and by men and women just like you.   

Tuesday, April 24, 2018

Going Somewhere?

     I read this quote from Brian Tracy on Twitter yesterday: "It doesn't matter where you are coming from. All that matters is where you are going." I'm a big fan of Mr. Tracy. But, he's got it wrong this time.
     I gather his point is that we shouldn't live in the past. We are on the same page with that one. But neither should we ignore it.
     About 10 years ago, I launched out of a comfortable full-time career in television news and into the exciting but scary position of redefining who I was and what I was going to do my life. I wondered: "Where do I go from here?"
     I began receiving speaking invitations. I accepted and found I had an affinity for sharing my story and inspiring others to take chances and pursue dreams. A door to a new beginning opened in front of me. I stepped through it and liked what I saw on the other side. But, it was only because of "where I had come from" that I have been able to continue to "get to where I was going."
     I've found that the people who come to hear me speak want to know about the challenges life has presented and how I tried, succeeded, or sometimes failed, to meet those challenges. They want to hear that no matter how dark a place we may sometimes come from, a light will eventually shine. They want to know how to get over, under or around the life's hurdles. And they want to know what to expect on the other side.
     You see, if none of us had difficult times in our past, we really wouldn't have much of a story to tell. If none of us had to struggle, we would never become stronger. If none of us had overcome, we would never be able to inspire others to do so. If none of us had loved... and lost... and found love again, we would not be able to offer hope of that to someone else who is hurting. If none of us had ever questioned our faith... but persevered and finally found it again... we couldn't help others find their way out of the darkness.
     If you are having trouble seeing where you are going, I encourage you, at least momentarily, to look behind you. Where are you coming from? 
     What worked for you in that past? What didn't? What mistakes are you repeating? How can you stop from repeating them again? Who have you allowed into your life that shouldn't be there? Who have you kept out of your life that should be there? Have you let your fears keep you from going after your dreams? Have you gone after those dreams only to see them disintegrate because you didn't properly prepare? Did you come from an unhappy, abusive, impoverished, faithless, or loveless past? 
     It's okay. It's the past. But if you want to get to a better future, address that past. Discard what (or who) you need to, then get busy getting to where you're going.
     And, when you get there, turn around... and see just how far you've come. 



Friday, February 16, 2018

Hit the Brakes - Chapel A Day (Day 2)

Do you ever find yourself staring at the food you're heating in the microwave and saying, through gritted teeth, "Hurrrryyyy uppppp!" I do.

We live such busy lives. From the time our feet hit the floor early in the morning to the time we lay our weary heads upon our pillow late at night, we go-go-go all day-day-day. We want fast food, fast wifi, and fast cars. 

Maybe it's time to hit the brakes. But, how?

That's the question I pondered in today's chapel-a-day time. I'm giving up an hour of "my"
time each day of Lent and giving it back to God. I want to spend that time thinking and praying about what I can do to become a better person for God, for others, and for myself. Today, I realized that the first step is probably to hit the brakes.

Jesus knew the importance of that. In scripture, we're told that he often went off by himself to pray. Other times, he would stop what he was doing and take time to talk to someone who needed him. He advised his friend Martha to "slow down, already." (Loose translation!) 

Granted, Jesus didn't have a cellphone that dinged every 3 minutes with a text, email, or Facebook notification. He didn't have a 9-5 job with a crabby boss who watched the clock, or children who needed to be carpooled to soccer or ballet...or both... at the same time. But, he did have places to go, people to see, and things to do... really important things. He still found a way to pace himself. Perhaps if we did the same, and started running our own lives, instead of letting our lives run us, we might find ourselves happier, healthier, and more spiritually fulfilled. Which brings me back to my earlier question: How? Well, I'm ruminating on that. But here are three things that might be worth considering.

1- How important (really important) are the items on our daily "to-do" list? Are we prioritizing them, or just cramming as much as we can into that list? What can we live/do without?  

2- How much time do we spend each day with media- TV, Netflix, Facebook, Twitter, Google-surfing? What if we cut that time in half and spent it with real people and participating in real, rather than virtual, activities?

3- When's the last time we put down the smartphone, Ipad, or Kindle and actually read a book... you know, the kind with real pages that you can turn. I read a study (um... online) which concluded that the light that comes from computer screens and cellphones can increase your risk for disease and decrease your level of quality sleep. Maybe a good "page-turner" every now would be good for us. There's something calming about reading a book, or a devotional, or.. dare I say it? A few passages of scripture from the Bible. 

Those are all good questions. But, my chapel time today led me to believe that the main question to ask is: 

"What and who might I see if I slow down instead of racing from here to there and back again every day?"  I'm going to work on finding the answer to that by, well... by hitting the brakes.

I'll let you know how it goes.



    





Wednesday, January 24, 2018

Just Say it!

"You look very nice."

I heard the male voice just behind my left shoulder, as I made my way through the crowds after a long, hot tiring day of selling books at a Florida arts festival. I turned and looked at the gentleman who'd fallen in step with me.

Sweaty, disheveled, and exhausted, I laughed and said, "Wait.. who, me?"


"Yes, you. You look very nice. " Then, he stopped and said, "I'm sorry. I don't mean to be inappropriate."


Normally, I would have just mumbled a quick "thank you" and hurried on. But, he was seemed sincere, polite and respectful. I sensed that I should also stop. 


So, I did. And, I waited.


He continued. "I have just decided, 'what the heck' these days.  I have so many friends who have died, are dying, or are sick. Life's too short. If I want to say something nice these days... I just say it."


He hesitated, then looked me in the eye and asked, "Is it okay? What I said to you?"


"Of course," I replied. "And, thank you very much. I actually needed to hear that today." Then, we both moved on... in the opposite directions that led to our respective lives. 


It's funny how a random, 60-second encounter with a total stranger can continue to rattle around in your brain until you finally stop racing from here to there and really consider what was said.


"Life's too short. If I want to say something nice these days... I just say it."


16 little words that are hugely profound.


I began to think about all the missed opportunities I've had to give a quick compliment, to say something nice to someone, to lift someone up, to encourage, to help...to heal. The reasons for letting the moment pass probably seemed good at the time. 


"I'm in a hurry." "They are in a hurry." "I will say something next time." "I don't know them." "They'll reject it." "They'll think I'm weird." 


So what? Life's too short.


We are just a few days into the new year. What have you done with your "new start" on the timeline that is your life? We are each given 24 hours every day to DO SOMETHING. Even if that "something" is simply speaking a complimentary or uplifting word to someone we know, or perhaps to someone we don't. We can choose to opt out using any of the above excuses. Oh, you mean these?


"I'm/They're in a hurry." It takes 5 seconds to give a compliment or speak a kind word to someone.
"I will say something next time." What if there isn't a next time for one or both of you?
"I don't know them." Maybe it will lead to an introduction.
"They'll reject it."  So? You've still managed to put positive energy out there. It will do some good.
"They'll think I'm weird." Or, they may think you're kind. They may even think you're a gift. 

So, here's the deal. Let's go out on a limb and say something nice to someone every day for the next 7 days. Even if it's a total stranger. Perhaps, especially if it's a total stranger. We may make someone's day. We may make our own day! 

We will almost certainly make good use of our time.

Tuesday, November 7, 2017

30 Days of Thanks-Being Thankful Isn’t Always Easy

     This month, I’m blogging about Thanksgiving. Not just the November day of celebration, but about developing a lifestyle of thanksgiving, which can radically change your life. Several years ago, I wrote a bible study called “30 Days of Thanks.” What I determined during my research is that “thanksgiving” boils down to four things:

 Thanksgiving is gratitude
 Thanksgiving is sacrifice 
 Thanksgiving is relationship
 Thanksgiving is a call to action

     Last blog, I wrote about gratitude as a lifestyle. Read it here. Thanksgiving is also sacrifice. Ouch. Sacrifice? Like… give something up? Like… put someone or something else ahead of my own interests? Like...giving thanks when the world around me is falling apart?
Like… not being #1? Yeah. Like that.
     In the Old Testament, "sacrifice" had a very literal meaning. It typically meant a physical sacrifice of food or animals, offered on an altar to God as a means of showing repentance or gratitude. When Christ came on the scene, the meaning of sacrifice began to change. The apostle Paul tells us that sacrifice is often less about the act and more about the heart. Because what is in our heart will determine the way we act. (Funny how that works, huh?)
     Thanksgiving is sacrifice because it is not always easy. 
     Sometimes we just don't feel like giving thanks!
     We can't see the good in what is happening in our own lives, in the lives of our family or friends, or in the world. We are sad, or hurting, or angry, or confused, and we just don't feel like saying "Thank you, God." We see innocent people murdered, lives cut short by disease, and relationships splintered by hurtful actions.
     So, why should we give thanks? Lots of reasons. First, giving thanks takes the focus off what is troubling us and puts it on God. It keeps us from being paralyzed by fear, anger, or grief. It keeps us from rash actions that may be driven by our fear, anger, or grief. Sacrificial thanks may not change our situation, but it may change us. And if we are changed, we may view our situation differently and be more open to finding solutions to problems or challenges.
     Hear me on this: giving thanks in difficult times doesn’t mean we ignore what is troubling us. It means we thank God in the midst of what is troubling us. It doesn’t mean we ignore the evil in the world- whether it’s our own little world or the world at large. It means we give thanks to God that we are the kind of person who does recognize evil and who is motivated to find ways to change the situation. It doesn’t mean that our heart doesn’t hurt. It means we open our hurting heart to the one source that is able to bring healing.  
     Sometimes, we have to ask God to show us what we can be thankful for. And, when he does… and when we do… there’s one last step. We look for ways to “do good.” In the book of Hebrews, we are told "to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased. (Hebrews 13:16)
     In my last blog post, I asked you to take inventory of your life and write down what you are truly thankful for. People, community, church, health, possessions, forgiveness, grace, etc.
     Now, I want you to list at least one or two things that you find it difficult, if not impossible, to be thankful for. Then I want you to really think about those things, meditate on them, pray about them. Then write down one or two ways you can still give thanks. Sacrificial thanks. From your heart. Don't feel like giving thanks? Do it anyway... for just this one month. Then... do good. See if it makes a difference in your life. I believe it will. And, I would be thankful to hear from you about that!