Relationships Ain't For Sissies

     I was scanning through the channels on my car radio when a sad song about a breakup came on. "Nobody Wins" laments the loss of a relationship and, with apologies to Brenda

Lee, there's nothing really remarkable about the lyrics. With the exception of one line. 
     "The loving is easy, it's the living that's hard."
     Truth.
     To misquote Bette Davis, "Relationships ain't for sissies."  Too many of us enter into relationships believing those sappy sayings such as "all you need is love, "love conquers all," and "love means never having to say you're sorry."
     I hate to be blunt, but.... bull.
     Love, real love, is not just about the feelings. Don't get me wrong! Those feelings are great! They make you go all gooey on the inside when you see your honey and they touch you in just that right spot on the back of your neck. But, feelings come and go. The fairy dust (as one of my girlfriends calls it) can fly away at a moment's notice in the face of a disagreement, financial difficulty, acts of mistrust, or just the daily responsibilities of life. That's when "it's the living that's hard." And that's when the act of love, not just the feeling of love, can make or break the relationship.
     What do you do when the living is hard? Here are five suggestions:

     *If you are married, remember your wedding vows. You know the ones: "for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others be faithful only unto you." Made you all mushy the day you promised those things. But, they can be hard to live out. When the living is hard, perhaps you and your spouse can repeat your vows to each other. If that's uncomfortable, write them out and say them aloud to yourself. Remember why you said them on that very important day. Ask yourself, "what is the one thing I can do today to act out my vows, regardless of my feelings?"

   

 *Say "I'm sorry." I adore the movie "Love Story." I cry every time Jenny tells Oliver "love means never having to say you're sorry." Then, I wipe my eyes, blow my nose, look at the screen and say "baloney!" We all do and say hurtful things to the people we love, sometimes intentionally and sometimes not. Saying "I'm sorry" is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of strength. It demonstrates your depth of character and your commitment to making the relationship work. Warning: Be sure you MEAN IT when you say those important two words. Saying them, but not living them, will spur mistrust and resentment.


      *Talk it out. The "silent treatment" is a popular maneuver in too many relationships. Silence may be golden in church or the library, but in a relationship it's worthless. Learn how to talk through your issues in a calm, logical way. Perhaps each of you could take a piece of paper, write down three things that are bothering you, then take turns talking about them. Did you catch that? TAKE TURNS. It's a conversation not a lecture. Time yourselves if necessary. Acknowledge the other person's feelings and words. You don't have to agree with them, but try to see their perspective and find common ground.

     *Never go to bed without kissing your mate.Someone told me one time of a couple in their 80's who'd never gone to bed without a kiss. The husband said sometimes the bed would be shaking because of the anger of the moment. But in the light of day, they found the desire, will, and strength to make amends and move the relationship forward. BTW, kissing burns calories. So, go "work out." It will make your body and your relationship healthier!

     *Bring back romance. Take steps to overcome the disagreements and difficulties that threaten your "fairy dust." Decide to infuse some romance into your relationship. Go for a long walk or a drive. Hold hands. Dance in the kitchen. Kiss your partner when they walk out the door in the morning--- not a peck on the lips, but a hot-and-bothered can't-wait-til-you-get-home kiss. Rub your partner's feet when they get home. Go on a picnic. Take a bubble bath. Light candles and play love songs from your courtship. The idea is to WORK at your relationship.
     
Brenda Lee had it right. Sometimes, "the loving is easy. It's the living that's hard." But nothing worth having comes easily. Or so I've heard. 

*For more ideas on how to bring romance back to your relationship, check out

www.drexelgilbert.com.
"30 Days to Better Love"